I used to say that,

"Everything is ok in my life, then it all seems to fall apart..."

But i guess the reality is that i'm never actually 'ok', i'm just managing how i'm feeling enough for it not to affect others. Then it eventually becomes too much for me to ignore/hide and the 'fall apart' bit happens.

Now i'm being more 'real' with myself, i notice the little routines i get into in different situations, essentially to mask how i'm really feeling. Sometimes there is no feeling, only emptiness (i'm writing this with a smile on my face, it's dark but not depressing), and rather than just look at people blankly when they talk to me, i'll fall into a routine which up until recently i never knew was happening.

Having felt much improved for the first 2 months of the year, i decided to start work. I focused on an entry level job as not to aggravate my stress. One thing i didn't count on was all the social dynamics in an office like that, passive-aggressive bosses, people prodding at you to see if you'll get in the way of their careers, boring power games, and those that like to gossip about other peoples problems. So it's no surprise my anxiety started to spike, although i never saw it coming. I've stepped away from that business now; the agency i'm with are going to get me some volunteering work whilst i keep working on my relationship with the world around me.

At the start of next week i'll be working on a farm part time; all the food grown there goes directly to charity. The idea of working for a noble cause through physical labour appeals to me; it can provide a feeling of purpose and honour (both of which i've felt lacking in the life recently), until i work out how i can best fit into society again.

So all good, i stepped outside of my comfort zone... didn't like it... stepped back inside and work out the next exploration.

There are times i am going to post a blog or tweet that sounds negative... thats the little moments when my emotions are getting the better of me; each time it happens i learn, change, adapt, move on... yes it's hard, but if i'm going to put effort into anything, its going to be 'living', innit.

Comments

  1. I hope you're giving yourself some credit for trying, sometimes that first step is the hardest to take. So it wasn't a good fit for you, sounds like a lot of pressure to me. I hope you will be happier at the farm. I'm just glad you haven't given up hope and you've found something that will be rewarding, yet more peaceful for you. As long as I've known you you have always wanted to give back. You are a gentle soul, be kind to yourself. ♡

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