The truth and the bumbling bard.
My last 2 posts are clearly not the full story of my life; i couldn't remember it all even if i wanted to. It's just a story using selected fragments of memory, the truth as i know it, yet i have the advantage of a perspective you could never have.
I have (at times of great stress, which has been often) lost control of how i present myself, i allowed the emotions to take the lead, and just reacted. Petulantly rejecting any more adjustment on my own part and concluded it was everyone else that was wrong.
It was just a story, like the past two posts, selected memories creating a story, a story where i was a victim and had to fight back against all those that were unjust. That fight motivated me, i was playing the role of the warrior, but it wasn't my true nature. I think in terms of traditional roles i sit somewhere between bard and healer...
I wonder if bard is simply a different form of healer, emotional healing through music, imagery, story telling. so maybe i can grow in both those areas.
Who does anyone write for?
Am i telling you a story or am i telling myself one? The biggest fool is the fool who fools himself. All i know for sure is that a story exists, i'm not writing about it, i'm living it, all i can ever write is more stories, but the truth, perfect truth, is beyond anyone... even the story teller.
The extreme potential of my emotions is branded an illness, a best guess i suppose, one day i think we'll understand it differently. It wasn't medicine that healed me, it was reflection... and i don't feel reflection sits well under 'cure'... and i can trace high emotions way back... so was i born ill, or just different?
I've have lots more healing to go through, for me i think it's constant, i wouldn't be so arrogant to even think it's the same for anyone else, only they would have the perspective required to work out where they lost control of their story...
Having established comfort, a personal comfort zone i guess, in which i am not just a character in a story, but I can literally 'choose my own adventure', I have decided that i want to go off exploring parts of the world. Not to see 'things' but to experiences stories. it's my long term goal.
Short term, i have a son that needs a dad to help him become a capable adult. In 6 years he'll be 18, and whilst there is no certainty he'll be an adult, it will be at least that age before i'd comfortably take myself out of his life again.
Somewhere between 6 and 10 years time (if he's still fucking about at 22 he's on his own, i'm off anyway) i will explore the world... but before then, i have the opportunity to create as many additional projects as I like, because i can always return to my comfort zone now i understand it's importance and just living in comfort sounds incredibly boring, so i'll want some things to do... I guess i'll write about that in my next post.